MY BOOK'S LIFE

Last fall, as I struggled to come up with a marketing plan for the book, my dear friend and advisor, Will, held up the book cover, looked deep into my eyes and said, “You have no idea where this book is going to go and who it’s going to affect.” How right he was.

I’ve got three stories for now. My husband’s brother Rick and his wife Ellen are on a grand adventure. Sold their home of 25 years, bought an RV and are touring the country gathering stories which Rick, a retired newspaper editor, is posting on his web page rickholmes.net.  Along the way they’ve discovered Little Libraries in RV campsites filled with books where people are encouraged to “take one - leave one” as they pass through.

Rick and Ellen have been long time supporters of my work and their latest form is a doozy. They bought twelve copies of my book, Healing My Life from Incest to Joy, and will be leaving one in each of the Little Libraries they find along their way – like the pictures above of Ellen at the one in Marathon, Texas – a place Rick describes as “two miles from nowhere”. The thought of my book living in those little libraries is a thrill for me. Like a message in a bottle I wonder if I’ll ever hear back from any readers who make a trade for it? Stay tuned!

Second story. If you read my January 26th posting you know how fired up I was with the Judge and Olympians. After I wrote that piece I traced down the Victim Advocate for the prosecuting attorney in that case. I offered to send a complimentary copy, through our Books To Survivors Project, to any of those young women interested in getting one. Today I heard back that, so far, three have requested a copy. Be still my heart!

Third story. I did several readings/dialogues in Florida last month – all to the credit of a top-notch organizer - my daughter, Jennifer Grace. 

At one of the readings, during my dialogue with the audience, a man who looked to be in his 60’s stood up and offered an amazing disclosure to everyone present. He said, “I’m the product of incest. I grew up believing my grandmother was my mother and my mother was my sister. OK – take a moment for that one to sink in.

The static in the room’s silence was palpable. I mostly told myself to breathe and keep eye contact with him. And then he said, “Hearing all you read to us tonight helped me understand my birth mother more than I ever have before.”

Dare I say that was a gift? Well, it was. To have my work do something like that is worth all those countless times I struggled with or pounded myself internally striving to get my story onto the page.

I can’t wait for Will to read this posting so he can say, “I told you so.” 

Thanks for reading, Donna

Jennifer and me.

The Gymnasts and the Judge

I pledge my allegiance to over 150 women who stood up in Judge Rosemarie Aquilina’s courtroom, found their voices, stepped into the national floodlights of attention and gave themselves an experience in courage; a sparkling courage that is rippling out to us all. What grit! What moxie! What lightning bolts of inspiration is each and every one of them.

Another set of accolades I send out to Judge Aquilina. Armed with her judicial power she fostered an incredibly important act of empowerment in this 21st Century movement for resistance to and elimination of the sexual exploitation that has existed as long as history has been recorded.

Both sides of this equation are absolutely necessary for the eradication of sexual exploitation in all its horrendous forms: Survivors standing tall, with cameras rolling, telling their stories, and a representative of the power base clearing the room, providing unlimited space and time for those stories. Take as long as you need to say all you want to say she told them. How can I even express the vast importance of that level of validation? It has ramifications – the yet to be seen results and consequences of these acts of courage and use of power. 

How many survivors witnessing these acts are being fed a dose of validation and inspiration? I love that these women are standing – heads held high atop strong spines. Such a grand contradiction to the years my spirit lived well into my thirties crouched in a fetal position doing all she could to hold down my fathers crime because of his oft- repeated threat, ‘You tell anyone and I’ll kill you.’ I’m certain each time a survivor stands up and proclaims their experience a thousand sister and brother survivor’s spirits unfold, take a deep breath and have a good stretch. I wish I could stand before each and every one of these amazing women, look them right in the eye and say “Thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

The responses Judge Aquiline offered after the victim statements were a grand about-face to the all-too-often victim blaming that happens. She underscored statement after statement with praise, gratitude, and support for the women who came forward. Things like, “The military has not yet come up with fiber as strong as you” calling them “heroine” and “superhero” and “Mattel ought to make toys so that little girls can look at you and say, ‘I want to be her.’ Thank you so much for being here, and for your strength.” What really choked me up was when she said, “Leave your pain here and go out and do your magnificent things.”

Where, dear goddess, did this cowboy-booted judge with a terrific upsweep hairdo come from? No matter – all that matters is she is here, now. Here for these young women who survived childhood sexual abuse, here for the millions of us like them. Here too, as a shining searchlight for all who have power – to follow her stellar example and use that power for the greater good, in the battle to end this epidemic.

One thing about the man Lawrence Nassar, I believe he wasn’t born an abuser. Whatever brought him to commit his crimes – like all abusers – must be purged from our culture for this epidemic to be stopped. 

We are living not just a #METOO / Times Up moment – it is a movement and the gymnasts and judge are major engines in keeping the momentum going. You can, too. Join by giving gratitude to the doers, financial support to organizations serving survivors and your voice anywhere and everywhere you can use it. Come on along – this is one hell of a ride!

Thanks for reading.

A New Year's Message

Happy New Year and forget about old-time resolutions! I’d like to pose something different than loosing weight or getting organized: giving ourselves a gift, the gift of attention. I have a very particular activity to recommend – one that served me very well as I describe in Chapter 5: Coming Our as a Survivor in my book Healing My Life from Incest to Joy:

“It came to me one morning as I sat in front of my mirror doing my hair and makeup. I looked into my own eyes and said, “I’m proud of you.” It made me giggle. A voice inside me sneered [that dastardly inner critic] but the greater part of myself told me – at the risk of becoming unbearably conceited – I needed to keep it up till I totally believed it.

For a couple of years, many mornings, I did what I came to call my “Mirror Work.” I’d look myself in the eye and tell me what good I had done and was about to do, remind me of my courage and smarts. I’d smile at these things, even flirt a little, a raised eyebrow, a pursing of the mouth into a grin, all the facial expressions that go along with messages of affirmation and acceptance. I started noticing who else in my life, besides me, looked at me that way – a way that said, ‘I like who you are.’”

This act of looking into my own eyes was radicalizing in terms of both hearing my voice and seeing my face tell me of my worth. These visual and audio messages became grand contradictions to the self-loathing I’m convinced was part and parcel of the incest and neglect I lived through. And – as I taught myself to recognize the face and tone of loving acceptance - I got better and better at recognizing the same when it came from others; special others, ones I’d be sure to keep up close and personal.

Why not give it a try, right now, just for fun. Go to the closest mirror, put a smile on your face, look yourself in the eye and say something nice to and about the one you’re looking at. Maybe even give them a wink before you turn away!

Thank you for reading,

Donna